1. The Baltimore Ravens will defeat the New Orleans Saints in the Super Bowl, 24-7. Ray Lewis will not murder anyone in the postgame celebration.
2. Justice John Paul Stevens will retire from the bench. Democrats will demand a more liberal judge than “that Ford-appointed Republican” in order to balance the Court. The filibuster and judicial nominees become an early issue in the 2008 presidential race.
3. Speaking of which, the following are IN: Romney, McCain, Tancredo, Obama, Clinton, Richardson. OUT: Giuliani, Hagel, Kerry, Gore
4. Dick Cheney and Fidel Castro will remain in office; Osama bin Laden will remain at large.
5. The Pittsburgh Penguins will shock the world’s remaining hockey fans by winning the 2007 Stanley Cup behind young stars Sid Crosby and Evgeni Malkin. The team will celebrate by moving to Kansas City.
6. Having covered The Passion and The Nativity, Christan filmmakers will announce production of The Ascension, which is marketed to churches as “the greatest evangelistic tool of all time.”
7. The mainstream media, Andrew Sullivan, and liberal public intellectuals will continue to beat the drum of “coming evangelical theocracy” and miss the largest on-going religious story in America: the political crack-up of the religious right between people who think Christians should only be concerned with abortion and gay marriage, and those who get it.
8. Iran will make a military move into eastern Iraq. President Bush will insist “there is no Iranian domination of eastern Iraq” and that the U.S. situation in Iraq is “the best of all possible worlds.”
9. Oil prices will cross the $100 per barrel mark during the summer travel season.
10. Terrell Owens will leave the Dallas Cowboys and end up playing for a team where he’ll finally feel at home: the Oakland Raiders.
Bonus: Turning 30 won’t be all that bad.
Feel free to add your own in the comments. Happy New Year everyone.