A Memo To CBS

From: A concerned basketball viewer.
Re: The NCAA Basketball Title Game

Thank you for showing us the NCAA title game. Please consider the following suggestions for a more pleasant viewing experience next year:

1. Not every dunk needs to be repeated between 3-5 times from different angles during stoppages of play. It gets tedious, unless you make a game of it by predicting the number of times a particular dunk will be shown, or by creating a drinking game around repeated dunks.

2. Please inform your color announcer that the name of Florida’s head coach is pronounced “Billy DAHN-ovan,” not Billy “DUN-ovan.” Though also excellent fodder for a drinking game, this too gets tedious after being continuously repeated.

3. I understand you are under orders from the NBA to create marketable stars because they believe the game cannot stand on its own, but please do not pick the most grating player to be that star, even if his father is the French Bob Marley some tennis guy.

4. When an opposing player takes an inbound pass and leaps over the player from #3 and lands a thunderous dunk, it is ok to repeat that dunk at least once. Really. It is. Even if his team is down by 20.

5. I am no longer afraid of the Burger King king mask because of you. Thanks a lot.

6. So the most marketable stars this year were Adam Morrison, J.J. Redick, and Joakim Noah (oooh, he’s the best!). I weep for college basketball.

7. This week on CSI, an FBI psychic foresees her own death. CSI: America’s Most Watched Show!

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