Pray Playah

First posted at In the Agora.

I’m not within Maxim‘s marketing demographic (translation: I’m old enough to buy my own alcohol) so I would have missed this hoot of an article were it not for the fun Christan bloggers discussing it at the Boars Head Tavern. The magazine dispenses the following nuggets of wisdom to would-be church pickup artists:

1. Find Your Faith. Macking in a holy place is easier than almost anywhere else–the good girls never see it coming. Plus, “every girl wants to tell her father she met her boyfriend at church and not at a bar,” says God-fearing cutie Erin Howard, 25. Look for progressive sanctuaries that offer “contemporary” services (to attract a younger, hipper crowd) and coffee hours (so you can actually talk, as opposed to just ogling from afar).

2. Enter the Kingdom. Scope out the finest churchgoer, then snag the pew in front of her. You won’t appear too eager, yet you can make eye contact easily–and shake her hand if there’s a “sharing of the peace.” Avoid making moves mid-service. “You’re in a place of bloody worship; you have to be respectful,” notes Tracey Cox, author of Superdate. Instead, listen to the sermon, which’ll give you plenty to talk about later.

3. Get Religion. Despite the communion wine, forget your sloppy bar tactics. After the service, just introduce yourself and act genuinely curious about the church. Say, “I’m new here. Are you a regular?” This’ll transition to the coffee hour, where you can quiz her about the service and how she ended up there. If all else fails, say something about looking for a higher meaning in life. She may make it her goal to “convert” you.

4. Reach the Promised Land. At this point patience is key. “A lot of repressed religious girls are damn hot in bed,” notes Cox. “But you’re not getting a quick shag here.” Provided she’s sending positive signals (e.g., laughing, smiling, not making the sign of the cross), simply tell her you’d love to meet up, outside of church, and ask for her digits. And no matter where it goes from there, try to think like the Browns do: There’s always next Sunday!

I find this article creepy and funny at the same time. I’m sure many of our 20-something readers know churches that have degraded into meet markets, though I doubt many people involved in these churches would be as direct in their intentions as hypothetical Maxim guy. On the other hand, the best thing that could ever happen to Maxim guy is that he hears the Gospel of Jesus Christ while looking for good Christian lovin’.

A word of caution for Maxim guy is in order. It should be noted that the Maxim article leaves the would-be Player extremely vulnerable to one question (and I don’t mean “If you were to die tonight…”) often posed by Christian women, especially if Player decides to travel in conservative evangelical circles: “What do you think of Joshua Harris?” Bail out, Player, bail out!

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